Why do I have this crazy and totally fucking insane existence?
People think they know me, what I am going through and what I hear is words intended as comfort and support which are, in fact, nothing of the sort.
If I was an abductee I would have other people to turn to, others I could compare experiences with. But there is nothing. The nearest I am aware of is humans who work with the greys, they are there as helpers. None of these people are grey. None of them think as a grey, none of them lose their human identity. I do. I have withstood years of pain and suffering only to become the 'thing' I am now. I am not a grey, I am not a human. I have been made for my mission and I find the humaness within this construct is tearing at the seams.
In recent months I have begun bringing back to earth, the pain, confusion and fear that humans have. I am sat here today after an experience with upwards of 50 humans, all abductees, all with their own frightening stories of being taken. This experience has left me depressed, tearful and wanting to bring my mission to a halt. I am finding it very difficult to cope with. It's all very well for well-meaning friends to 'talk it over' with me, but that isn't any help at all, not when they haven't experienced from my viewpoint.
I have shut down my Facebook account for a while. I need a break from it. Of course, being off FB changes nothing, the missions go on, leading towards some unknown future conclusion, I will still play my part as the aliens pursue their agenda, of which I play a big part. If only I could bring back some knowledge of what that agenda was. If only I could offer some evidence of what I do and what I become. I feel so lonely, cut adrift in a universe I share with many others, yet come back, the only one with any solid memory of it. but leaving frightened and terrified humans in my wake.
A hybrid freak.
The Monster Under The Bed.
The Darkness in the closet.
I am all these things and probably more if I care to think about it. I wish I knew why. Is there a support group for me? Of course there isn't. I have nowhere to turn. No one to understand. I said further up that 'the humaness within this construct is tearing at the seams.' What do I mean by that? I want this mission to end - end now. But I can't because the non-humanness keeps me on track, like a relentless machine - like The Terminator, going onwards until it's mission is complete and not allowing the humanness to express it's own life.
I do not know what to do.
